Posted in My Words, Random Thoughts

2a.m. Thoughts

I just want to be okay.

I don’t know what normal feels like, but I’d really like to.

How nice it would be to just wake up and not feel this heaviness weighing over my shoulders. For the fog to be gone, and my mind free of negative thoughts and feelings.

I want to be happy. Content with my life. I don’t want to feel anxious for most of my day, with racing thoughts engulfing my mind. I want this feeling of constantly being on the verge of crying, to go away. I don’t want to remember what it feels like to wake up and just “know” that it’s not going to be a good day.

I need help. I need direction. I don’t know how to live my own life anymore. For a second,even a day, everything seems to be okay. But then it’s gone, just like that. What do I do? Someone please tell me. I’m so lost. And it gets harder everyday.

Posted in L<3VE, My Words, Random Thoughts

To The One That I Hurt

To the one that I hurt. I’m sorry.

I thought that what I was doing was okay. I was still upset at you for shutting me out for a month of our relationship and when things were finally getting better, I decided to do the same thing to you.

You tried. You wanted it to work and wanted me in your life. You told me you missed me and were hurt when I went weeks without talking to you. I hurt you when you saw me talking to him. I hurt you when I lied and said I would be back. You knew it wasn’t the truth and I saw it in your face. Yet you smiled, that sad, sweet smile, and didn’t say a word.

I didn’t care. I admit that. That month when you went into your deep depression and stopped talking to me, really effected me, and my feelings for you drifted away. So when we started talking again and you were finally ready to let me in, I rejected you. I made you chase me, and you knew I’d never stop running. I would go through periods where I wouldn’t think about you at all, and that could last for days, weeks even. Then you would text me, bring me back to reality, and I would see you for one blissful day. Then another few weeks would go by.

I knew what I was doing to you. And I’m sorry. And now that I see that and understand it, it’s already too late. You’ve moved on to someone new. Someone who probably gives you the time of day. Texts you back right away, and cares about every word you have to say. I’m happy for you. I am.

But once again.. To the one I hurt.. To the one who stopped wasting her time on a fucked up, all over the place person like me… To the one who realized that she deserved better, who deserved the world…

I’m sorry.

Posted in My Words, Random Thoughts

Thoughts

As I stare at my blank computer screen, I feel emotionless.

I no longer know if I am happy, or sad. Angry, or frightened. Maybe I’m a mixture of all of those emotions.

Or maybe I just feel nothing at all.

I feel happy at certain times of the day. I’ll laugh, joke around, feel good about myself.

And then I get low. I frown. I’m not sad enough to cry, but I am not happy enough to put a smile on face either.

I finally let all of my thoughts poor in. The ones that have been blocked by this busy day. There’s always so much more important things to be thinking about; to be distracted by.

But eventually… there’s nothing else left to be focused on. Soon, I’m home. Away from work. Away from friends. Away from positivity. Or, not even positivity. But activities to keep me focused.

I almost cried in class yesterday. I had to secretly wipe away the tears spilling out from my eyes. We were watching a documentary about body positivity and how not many girls have it. It discussed depression. And eating disorders. And I was suddenly transported back to difficult times that no one knows about but me. And even though I’m passed all of it.. The negative emotions that  I felt during that time are still there. In the back of my mind. And they crept out from the dark shadows they were hiding in for so long.

I got sad at work today. For 5seconds flat and then it was gone. I pushed it aside and refused to think about it because I was working.

I started to feel this sadness when I was repeating myself the 100th time today into the intercom, “How may I take your order? What kind of sauce would you like with that? What kind of drink would you like?”

And I paused, thought about what I was saying and realized.. My life is like a broken record. It’s a constant repetition, of the same words, same feelings, same conversations going on and on and on. Everyday, every minute… It’s all the same, and for what? Yes it’s good to put on your resume that you’ve worked for such and such company for 3 years. And yes, it’s great to make money. But what a waste of time. I’m never going to get these days back. I could die tomorrow. Or in a year. Or even in 60 years. But either way, I will never be this age, on this day, at this time, ever again. And I’m spending those precious hours, asking “would you like fries with that?”

I understand, this job will get me places. I might become manager. Or I may put it on my resume and a company will see and be like, “Oh, well she has good job experience.” And in the meantime, I have money to pay my bills. To buy food. To live good experiences that I can remember forever.

It’s not all bad, I’m realizing. I do work for a reason. It’s not exactly a waste of my time. But in 5 years, do I see myself still wearing that baggy, blue shirt, a headset over my ears, and fry grease on my black work pants?

I think not.

But in the meantime, I’m fine where I’m at in life.

 

 

Posted in L<3VE, My Words, Other posts, Random Thoughts

Life Is Still Going On Without You

There are dark clouds scattered across the blue skies today.

The wind is so cold that people have broken out their sweaters and jackets again.

It’s Spring, but today it does not look like it.

Mother Nature seems to think it’s still Winter.

Life is still going on.

 

I studied hard for a test today, but I only got a C.

I texted back my girlfriend, but she seems to have forgotten about me.

Dad is sleeping, the bonus mom is at work. Nathan is sick and mom is at home taking care of him.

Cars are driving by my house, going much faster than they should be.

People are still at work, or school, or at their kid’s soccer game.

Life is still going on.

 

You’re not here. But the trees have not stopped dancing in the wind.

You won’t talk to me. But the birds continue to spread their wings and fly.

You’ve stopped caring. But the days have kept moving on.

I’m no longer your priority. But I no longer care.

 

I woke up today and made my favorite cup of coffee.

I got dressed today and actually had the energy to study.

I went to class today and worked hard on my exam.

I laughed at my brother’s jokes and told my mom that I love her.

I came home and had a nice conversation with my father.

My friends have been texting me all day, because I’m important to them.

 

You’re not my number-one, and I’m no longer yours.

You have no interest in my life, and I never think of yours.

Three weeks ago, it was different, but so much has changed.

My feelings for you have finally seemed to run away.

And I wrote this out for you, so that you would know that I’m okay.

 

 

Posted in My Words, Other posts, Random Thoughts

When I Was 17

 

I don’t know how it happened, or when. All I remember is waking up one day and realizing that I wasn’t 17 anymore.

I no longer lived with my mom and little brother in a small, but cozy apartment that I oh so despised.

I was no longer the girlfriend of a rude, but ultimately kind hearted, hopeless romantic boy that thought that it was the world that needed to change, not him.

I remembered that it really wasn’t “just yesterday”, when my best friend and I stole my mom’s car for the night, thinking that the boy I had a crush on would think I was cool if I came driving by his house in a beautiful, blue Corolla.

Gone were the days of ditching French class and flirting with my ex out in the school hallway.

Nights were spent wandering the streets with my best friend at 1am, doing things that we probably shouldn’t have been and were VERY lucky we never got caught.

So many wonderful, but also miserable, nights as well..

Countless hours were spent screaming back and forth with him because he had decided to be an ass again.

Days when I ate so much, my stomach could no longer bare it and I had to run to the toilet. Again. And again. And again.

When I cried to my therapist about how confused I was about love and life and just about every little thing that was happening to me at the time.

Oh, how I miss those nights of talking to my best friend for 6 hours on the phone, never a pause in-between words.

The giggling, the music, the late night driving, and the long conversations about boys, bad experiences, and things we would never, ever tell another soul.

The fights. The laughter. The love and rebellion. The dreams and the heartbreak. The confusion and the deep sadness. The happiness I felt, no matter how bad it all got.

How I miss those days, I thought I had almost forgotten them.

Now I’m almost 22 years old, and life has passed me by. So much has changed, yet not nearly as much as I’d hoped. And I promise I am not dwelling over the past, for what a waste that would be. No matter how much one reminisces about the past, it has already happened. There’s no going back.

Life is always changing, people are always moving and they never stop to take in just how fast time is going by. Sometimes I feel as if I’ve lived a lifetime, and other times I feel like there’s never enough time in the day.

I notice how quickly the days turn into nights. How one conversation can turn into another, and other people don’t seem to notice the difference. But I feel it. I see it. And it almost scares me to death, because I feel as if I’m not spending each passing moment to my fullest capacity. I was 17 years old yesterday, and now I’m 21 today. Before anyone blinks an eye, I will be 50 years old. Then 55. And then 73.

And then, someday… I’m going to have run out of time. I’ll be curled up in my death bed,  looking back at all of the memories and wondering where those days had gone, and if I had spent my life the way I wanted to.

I don’t want to have regrets. I’m going to make stupid decision’s, that is true. But as long as at that very moment, that’s exactly what I wanted to do, and it made me happy, then it’s okay. What is the point of having a life, if you are not living it happily? Why spend your days wondering why the days seem to keep dragging on and wishing for a better day to come? I refuse to waste my days longing for something better.

I choose to be happy today. I choose to live. What do you choose?

 

Posted in My Words, Other posts, Random Thoughts

It’s About Time

I think it’s about time that I just let things go. Let it all go. My stress, my worries… I think a little too much about the future, so much so that it holds me back from making any important decisions.

“What if I go down this path and it turns out horribly?”

“What if I end up regretting this decision?”

“What if I drop everything so that I can focus on this one thing, and I end up nowhere? No money, nothing.”

What if, what if, what if! It’s always the same old thing, everyday. It’s normal, healthy even, to worry a little about your future but I feel as if I’ve gone too far. I’ve been in college now for three… THREE years and I just now decided on my major. In fact, it’s the same major that I thought I wanted to do ages ago but kept changing my mind because I thought it wasn’t right for me. I’ve wasted so much time, energy, and sleep over it and now I believe that it is finally the right time to just sit back and go with the flow. I don’t even want think about it anymore. I’ve gone so far in school and have the opportunity to transfer out by next year as long as I pass all of my classes and stick with my major. So that’s what I’m doing.

I don’t care about the “what if’s” anymore, the constant comments from people who are doubtful that I will ever get far with a major like this one.. Other people have done well in the Psychology field before. I can too. I’ve just got to relax a little, do what I need to do to get to where I want to be, follow my dreams and push the doubtfuls and their words out of my head. I’m going to prove to them and even more importantly, to myself, that I can make it. I will, you’ll see.

Posted in My Words, Other posts, Random Thoughts

I Want…

I want to get away. Far away. I want to travel. Meet interesting people who I can not only have fun with but who make me think on a much deeper level than I had ever thought was possible. I want to experience the beauty of this world. To learn things that I cannot learn by just sitting in my bedroom on a Saturday night. I want to eat foreign foods that I did not grow up eating. To listen to music that is new to my ears. I want get away. From this life. A life full of social media, editing pictures so they’re “posting perfect”, and college confusion. I want to not only run away from the stress of it all, but to cover it in flames and never set my eyes on it again. I want a fresh start. I want to start anew, and create a life that my heart can smile at. I want to tell people how much I love my life, and actually mean it. I want to love myself. I want to say what’s on my mind without the fear of sounding stupid. I want to have a passion… or many passions! Things that I’ll be willing to go after and spend all of my time working towards.

I want to forget how it feels to force a laugh and a fake a smile. I want to feel that I can call someone and know that they’ll answer right away and listen carefully to what I have to say. Someone who wants me to be happy and who understands. I want to feel smart. And accomplished. And have the guts to choose a goal and go after it whole heartedly. I want to smile at whomever walks by and say “Hello!” To see someone I find attractive and tell them how much I love their eyes or hair or outfit, and not even give it a second thought. I want to call my loved ones and ask them about their day. Make them feel like they are loved. I want to feel loved.

I don’t know where I’m going with this… I guess I just thought that if I let out all of my wishes and desires, it might give me the confidence and motivation to actually go out and make them happen.

Thanks for reading ❤