Posted in L<3VE, My Words

To The One I Want To Let In To My World

My mind is not an easy place to understand. Even I get confused by it at times. One second, I’m as happy as can be, and the next, I’m curled up in a ball and wishing it could all be over.

I put a smile on my face for other people. I laugh at their jokes and thank them for their compliments. Sometimes, I really mean those smiles. Other times, I don’t. Some days it’s hard for me to even function. It’s difficult to put a smile on my face, to talk, to even count properly. It’s like a fog has formed over my head and it’s preventing me from living a normal life.

I don’t like showing that side of myself. My favorite ‘me’ is the Sarah that laughs and jokes around and doesn’t have a care in the world. Depression doesn’t even cross her mind when she’s in one of these positive moods. I love that Sarah.

To the person I am with, you are starting to see the Sarah that I don’t like. The one with the fog. The one with the bad attitude. The one with the horrible jealousy. I don’t want you to know her, but you’re starting to and I’m sorry.

I want to explain to you what exactly is going on in my head, but it’s hard for even I to understand. I want you to know that I do care about you, so much and that these moods that I get in are only temporary and they’re not a reflection of how I feel about you. I want to show you how much I care. I like you so much. But on these down days, when it’s hard to even think properly, I need your help. Your support. Your love.

I know I can’t get that though without letting you in. You have no idea what’s going on in my head and that’s my fault. I’ve been refusing to tell you.

But my God, I want to. I want you to understand. I want you to know this side of me. I want to let you into my world, the good and the bad. Please tell me you’ll stay once I’ve done that.

Please stay.

Advertisements
Posted in L<3VE, My Words, Random Thoughts

To The One That I Hurt

To the one that I hurt. I’m sorry.

I thought that what I was doing was okay. I was still upset at you for shutting me out for a month of our relationship and when things were finally getting better, I decided to do the same thing to you.

You tried. You wanted it to work and wanted me in your life. You told me you missed me and were hurt when I went weeks without talking to you. I hurt you when you saw me talking to him. I hurt you when I lied and said I would be back. You knew it wasn’t the truth and I saw it in your face. Yet you smiled, that sad, sweet smile, and didn’t say a word.

I didn’t care. I admit that. That month when you went into your deep depression and stopped talking to me, really effected me, and my feelings for you drifted away. So when we started talking again and you were finally ready to let me in, I rejected you. I made you chase me, and you knew I’d never stop running. I would go through periods where I wouldn’t think about you at all, and that could last for days, weeks even. Then you would text me, bring me back to reality, and I would see you for one blissful day. Then another few weeks would go by.

I knew what I was doing to you. And I’m sorry. And now that I see that and understand it, it’s already too late. You’ve moved on to someone new. Someone who probably gives you the time of day. Texts you back right away, and cares about every word you have to say. I’m happy for you. I am.

But once again.. To the one I hurt.. To the one who stopped wasting her time on a fucked up, all over the place person like me… To the one who realized that she deserved better, who deserved the world…

I’m sorry.

Posted in L<3VE, My Words, Other posts, Random Thoughts

Life Is Still Going On Without You

There are dark clouds scattered across the blue skies today.

The wind is so cold that people have broken out their sweaters and jackets again.

It’s Spring, but today it does not look like it.

Mother Nature seems to think it’s still Winter.

Life is still going on.

 

I studied hard for a test today, but I only got a C.

I texted back my girlfriend, but she seems to have forgotten about me.

Dad is sleeping, the bonus mom is at work. Nathan is sick and mom is at home taking care of him.

Cars are driving by my house, going much faster than they should be.

People are still at work, or school, or at their kid’s soccer game.

Life is still going on.

 

You’re not here. But the trees have not stopped dancing in the wind.

You won’t talk to me. But the birds continue to spread their wings and fly.

You’ve stopped caring. But the days have kept moving on.

I’m no longer your priority. But I no longer care.

 

I woke up today and made my favorite cup of coffee.

I got dressed today and actually had the energy to study.

I went to class today and worked hard on my exam.

I laughed at my brother’s jokes and told my mom that I love her.

I came home and had a nice conversation with my father.

My friends have been texting me all day, because I’m important to them.

 

You’re not my number-one, and I’m no longer yours.

You have no interest in my life, and I never think of yours.

Three weeks ago, it was different, but so much has changed.

My feelings for you have finally seemed to run away.

And I wrote this out for you, so that you would know that I’m okay.