My mind is not an easy place to understand. Even I get confused by it at times. One second, I’m as happy as can be, and the next, I’m curled up in a ball and wishing it could all be over.
I put a smile on my face for other people. I laugh at their jokes and thank them for their compliments. Sometimes, I really mean those smiles. Other times, I don’t. Some days it’s hard for me to even function. It’s difficult to put a smile on my face, to talk, to even count properly. It’s like a fog has formed over my head and it’s preventing me from living a normal life.
I don’t like showing that side of myself. My favorite ‘me’ is the Sarah that laughs and jokes around and doesn’t have a care in the world. Depression doesn’t even cross her mind when she’s in one of these positive moods. I love that Sarah.
To the person I am with, you are starting to see the Sarah that I don’t like. The one with the fog. The one with the bad attitude. The one with the horrible jealousy. I don’t want you to know her, but you’re starting to and I’m sorry.
I want to explain to you what exactly is going on in my head, but it’s hard for even I to understand. I want you to know that I do care about you, so much and that these moods that I get in are only temporary and they’re not a reflection of how I feel about you. I want to show you how much I care. I like you so much. But on these down days, when it’s hard to even think properly, I need your help. Your support. Your love.
I know I can’t get that though without letting you in. You have no idea what’s going on in my head and that’s my fault. I’ve been refusing to tell you.
But my God, I want to. I want you to understand. I want you to know this side of me. I want to let you into my world, the good and the bad. Please tell me you’ll stay once I’ve done that.