As I stare at my blank computer screen, I feel emotionless.
I no longer know if I am happy, or sad. Angry, or frightened. Maybe I’m a mixture of all of those emotions.
Or maybe I just feel nothing at all.
I feel happy at certain times of the day. I’ll laugh, joke around, feel good about myself.
And then I get low. I frown. I’m not sad enough to cry, but I am not happy enough to put a smile on face either.
I finally let all of my thoughts poor in. The ones that have been blocked by this busy day. There’s always so much more important things to be thinking about; to be distracted by.
But eventually… there’s nothing else left to be focused on. Soon, I’m home. Away from work. Away from friends. Away from positivity. Or, not even positivity. But activities to keep me focused.
I almost cried in class yesterday. I had to secretly wipe away the tears spilling out from my eyes. We were watching a documentary about body positivity and how not many girls have it. It discussed depression. And eating disorders. And I was suddenly transported back to difficult times that no one knows about but me. And even though I’m passed all of it.. The negative emotions that I felt during that time are still there. In the back of my mind. And they crept out from the dark shadows they were hiding in for so long.
I got sad at work today. For 5seconds flat and then it was gone. I pushed it aside and refused to think about it because I was working.
I started to feel this sadness when I was repeating myself the 100th time today into the intercom, “How may I take your order? What kind of sauce would you like with that? What kind of drink would you like?”
And I paused, thought about what I was saying and realized.. My life is like a broken record. It’s a constant repetition, of the same words, same feelings, same conversations going on and on and on. Everyday, every minute… It’s all the same, and for what? Yes it’s good to put on your resume that you’ve worked for such and such company for 3 years. And yes, it’s great to make money. But what a waste of time. I’m never going to get these days back. I could die tomorrow. Or in a year. Or even in 60 years. But either way, I will never be this age, on this day, at this time, ever again. And I’m spending those precious hours, asking “would you like fries with that?”
I understand, this job will get me places. I might become manager. Or I may put it on my resume and a company will see and be like, “Oh, well she has good job experience.” And in the meantime, I have money to pay my bills. To buy food. To live good experiences that I can remember forever.
It’s not all bad, I’m realizing. I do work for a reason. It’s not exactly a waste of my time. But in 5 years, do I see myself still wearing that baggy, blue shirt, a headset over my ears, and fry grease on my black work pants?
I think not.
But in the meantime, I’m fine where I’m at in life.